


sort of revolution

by twistedsky



Series: ramen24 [3]
Category: Reign (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 18:12:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2477669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twistedsky/pseuds/twistedsky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Very loose Delirium AU. Love is considered to be a disease that you must be inoculated against on your eighteenth birthday. Greer gets infected, and falls in love with Leith despite herself, her plans, and everything else she ever thought she wanted for herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sort of revolution

**Author's Note:**

> Fic #3 for Ramen24, a silly ship fic project I'm doing with my best friend. This is far, far over word count, but I couldn't bring myself to slaughter it down to 5,000 words.
> 
> Title taken from the song by Fink, Sort of Revolution, because it's a revolution of hearts and souls, if not bodies.
> 
> I don't think I've even read all of Delirium, so I haven't really taken much from it besides the basic concepts, and I've changed anything and everything to fit my needs. I've also only used two of Greer's sisters for the sake of clarity. The actual science of having your ability to love removed is shady at best, so take it all with a grain of salt.

Greer Norwood has a destiny, or so her father often likes to tell her. Her father, however, is a very self-important man who is far less important than he’d actually like to be. He’s in charge of law enforcement in their quite large community(several cities interconnected in one large metropolis), but that’s not enough for him(nothing is, she thinks).

Greer has a responsibility to do well in school, to impress at her exams, and to end up in a good position, with a good husband post-high school.

She doesn’t even spend much time thinking about the procedure, about _amor deliria nervosa_ (the disease of love), or about what it means to be stripped of the ability to love.

Love doesn’t seem like a real thing to her—there’s a fondness she has for her friends, yes, but beyond that she’s never felt anything remotely like the danger that is the disease.

It’s insidious, and poisonous, she hears. It sounds so intense, and Greer’s never really felt anything like that at all. It just seems like something she doesn’t have to worry about, because it’s not like it’ll ever happen to her, right?

~~

When she’s sixteen, and just starting her junior year of high school, her father starts to harp about the fact that she’s not involved in enough after school activities. Not enough womanly ones, he means to say, but she can read between the lines.

He disgusts her, sometimes, though she tries not to let it show.

The truth is that Greer is in half a dozen different groups and activities, and she doesn’t really have the time for another anyway. She’s in the chess club, because her father thinks she needs to prove that she’s smart. She’s in student government, to prove that she has leadership abilities. She’s on the cross country team to prove that she’s physically in shape, and healthy enough for child-rearing. Environmental club, the school literary arts magazine, and the Students Against Amor Deliria Nervosa Club are more of the same—just there for her resume, so that she can prove that she’s well-rounded.

She likes most of them, she supposes. She enjoys running, and she likes the literary arts magazine, which is managed by her dear friend Lola. Being on the school council is fun because Mary, Kenna, Lola and Aylee make it fun. Her friends are the best part of everything, because everything else is business; it’s all about making sure that she’s prepared for success.

She needs a new activity now though, a new club to join to prove how perfect she is for life after her surgery—for her future marriage and career.

She likes fashion, but she has little interest in actually _making_ clothing, and nothing else is sanctioned by her father, and so she turns to food.  

~~

Luckily it’s the beginning of the semester, so it’s easy for her to wander around at this semester’s club fair and attempt to keep her options open.

Several clubs attempt to woo her, because she’s _Greer Norwood_. That’s a big deal, because she’s on the student council, and it’s always good to have a friend on the student council when it comes time for budgetary slicing and dicing.

Greer, however, stays focused.

Mary is by her side, though she has no interest in joining a new activity, because she’s busy enough as it is. The others in their little friend group are assisting with other booths, and so it’s just the two of them.

“Have you considered just . . . not joining a new club?” Mary asks. She thinks Greer is busy enough too, and Greer would tend to agree.

Greer sighs. “I don’t really have a choice in the matter,” she admits, and they walk a few more steps to the Cooking Club.

It makes the most sense, she thinks. She _likes_ cooking, at least, and she does quite a bit of it at home for her two sisters.

She looks over the flier, and Mary excuses herself for a moment to go to the bathroom, and Greer contemplates putting her name down. “Decisions, decisions.” She’s asking herself whether she should go for it or not when someone reads her mind.

“You could do that,” she hears, “Or you could join the Baking Club.”

Greer doesn’t quite recognize the voice, but she recognizes the club name. Basically, anytime any other club wants to put on a bakesale they go to the Baking Club, and the club’s members provide all of the sweets. The club is fully funded by the student body(probably because of bribes from the club itself, Greer muses, because _she’s_ had their baked goods before, and they’re _divine)._

This wouldn’t work at all, except that they make _amazing_ baked goods. Their cookies, their tarts, their cupcakes—they’re all incredibly _delicious_.

“And why would I do that?” she asks, looking up into the eyes of an attractive, sweet looking blond-haired boy.

She feels an odd sense of  . . .something, but she ignores it, because she doesn’t recognize it, and she doesn’t care for things she doesn’t recognize.

“Because I’ve seen the way that you pick at sweets.”

Greer raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow, because that sounds a bit creepy.

The boy hurriedly explains. “I made the cupcakes for this semester’s first official student council meeting, and you ate four before the council meeting even began,” he says, slightly teasing, but not in an overly judgmental way, which she supposes she appreciates.

“I only ate three,” she says defensively, which is not technically true.

His eyes twinkle mischievously, and she knows that he knows that she’s quite clearly lying, but he clears his throat and smiles. “My apologies. Three cupcakes.”

Greer smiles back despite herself, because there’s something about his smile that makes her want to do that, like she doesn’t have a choice in the matter at all. It’s a rather nice feeling, actually.

“I’m Leith Bayard,” he says, and instead of holding out his hand, which Greer thinks he’s going to do, he holds out a pastry.

She ends up with the pastry squished a bit in her hand, and she winces at how awkward it is.

“Greer Norwood,” she says, staring at the pastry so that she doesn’t have to look at _him_.

She lifts it up to smell it, and it smells nice enough, so she delicately bites into it.

Greer stifles a moan, and covers her mouth with her free hand.

Leith simply holds his little basket of baked goods(and she kind of wants to grab it right out of his hands and run), and smiles smugly.

He knows how to bake, and she hates him slightly for that.

She takes another bite, and is tempted to just shove the rest of it into her mouth, but instead she takes time to savor it, and is sad when she’s done.

She covers well though, and then looks back up at Leith with a measured, careful look on her face. “I have one condition.”

“Name it,” he says, and she fights a smile.

“Can you teach me to make these?” She’s staring at the basket again, really contemplating making a run for it.

Leith nods and smiles, and Greer feels a small rush of warmth flush throughout her body.

~~

The club itself only has a few members, and they’re all amazing as far as Greer can tell. She has no idea how they produce so many baked goods for the student body. Magic, she thinks nonsensically before mentally squashing the fantastical idea.

Greer isn’t sure why Leith chose to invite her to be in the club, because although she’s baked cookies and cakes for her little sisters, she doesn’t have all that much experience.

They’re all at Penelope Prescott’s house to practice baking dessert empanadas, and Greer feels incredibly ill at ease. She doesn’t belong here at all.

While the others are all experimenting with flavors, Greer just stands awkwardly, looking into the pantry to try to come up with some sort of idea.

Leith comes up next to her and stares into it with her. “Any ideas?” he asks.

Greer shakes her head and frowns. “None at all. I’ve never even had a dessert empanada, or any kind of empanada for that matter,” she frowns. “I’m not too much of a baker.”

Leith turns to face her, and even though she can feel his eyes on her, she doesn’t turn to look at him. “Do you know why I came up to you at the club fair?” She meanly thinks that he probably went up to plenty of pretty girls, and none of them were foolish enough to actually _join_ his little club.

“No, not really,” she admits. She isn’t even sure why she agreed to any of this either. She could have just gone with Cooking Club, and it would have been much less work, and far more comfortable than this.

Cooking Club doesn’t really experiment, and they certainly don’t have to produce very much. They’re a lazy bunch, and although Greer isn’t lazy, she’s really just in this for a simple addition to her resume.

“Because you have an appreciation for sweets,” Leith says, and he’s certainly right about that, she admits to herself. “Some people have an affinity for baking, yes, but if you don’t have a love for the food itself, then there’s really no point. And when I saw you at the council meeting, just devouring the cupcakes in the corner—but not so quickly that you weren’t taking the time to enjoy the taste, which is also something that happens—I had an _inkling_.”

“An inkling?” Greer questions.

“Yes,” he says. “An inkling that you were a very special person, and we’d be foolish to not want you in our club.”

Greer turns to face him after she manages to get her conflicting emotions in order. There’s something strange about how his words make her feel. “That’s a very nice thing to say.” It’s not especially complimentary, but no one has ever just looked at her and thought she’d be good at something. She always has to prove herself so much—to her father, to her teachers, to _everyone._

Leith tilts his head to the side and smiles. It’s not flirtatious, which would make her uncomfortable, as it does when anyone acts remotely interested in her in that way. He’s just . . . friendly, and nice.

Greer smiles back until it becomes slightly uncomfortable—there’s something about Leith that’s both comforting and worrying, which is contradictory, but somehow incredibly accurate—and she looks away.

Greer glances back at the other three bakers in the kitchen and sighs. “I still don’t know what I want my flavor suggestion to be.”

“Well,” Leith begins. “Elena is doing some sort of play on chocolate and coffee, which should be interesting, and Adam is going with an apple flavor. Penelope has all of the blueberries, so I’m _guessing_ that she’ll be using blueberries.”

“Well, I suppose that narrows my options down,” Greer says with a shrug. She can’t do this, and she has no idea why she’d thought she could.” She sneaks a look at Leith. Oh yes. Him. This is all his fault.

“You’ll be fine,” Leith assures her. “Just think of something you like.”

Greer is not a quitter, so she considers his words. “I like lemon, but lemon seems so—“ Greer frowns. “Common.”

“And you’re the opposite of common,” Leith finishes for her, and oddly enough it doesn’t sound like he’s making fun of her. It almost sounds like a compliment.

She sounds a bit elitist, but she doesn’t really want to be. It’s her father, she thinks, constantly poking and prodding at her, and demanding that she be better than everyone else. That’s not fair, of course, to completely blame him like that. It’s part of who she is now, for better or for worse, and placing blame won’t get anyone anywhere.

Her comment isn’t about that though, she assures herself. She’s just _practical_. Lemon can be good, but it’s also a bit overused. That’s not her fault. She’s spiraling on a bit in her head until Leith places a hand gently on her arm.

She looks up at him, and then back down at his hand on her arm, and he removes it immediately, like it’s burning him.

Her arm feels incredibly arm where he’d touched it, like maybe the burning sensation had gone the other way instead, but she ignores the feeling. It sounds like one of those terrible symptoms of the deliria, which this most certainly is not.

“Sorry,” he says, and she shakes her head to indicate that it’s fine.

“You were going to say something?” she nudges him slightly with her elbow.

“Oh, yes. What if we did a lime curd filling instead?”

Greer brightens up at that. “Oh, that sounds amazing. I’ve never made a lime curd, but key lime pie is one of my favorites. It’s tart, but it balances really well with the sweetness of the whipped cream.” She clutches her hands together. “It’s perfect.”

Greer looks to the others, who are working with the dough she supposes they’ll use for the outside of the empanadas, and she looks back to Leith, and has a strong urge to hug him.

Public affection is frowned upon, however, especially if you haven’t undergone your surgery yet. And those who have undergone their surgeries seem very disinterested in any kind of affection at all.

Greer doesn’t understand her urge, and so she sublimates it as she’s meant to.

Leith shows her how to make the curd, and she finally starts to enjoy herself.

~~

She goes home and makes some more of the key lime empanadas—which you can’t actually bake with their filling, she discovers, because you run the risk of the curd getting nasty, and the crust getting soggy. Instead, you have to leave open a small hole when you’re forming the dough, then you simply pipe in the filling when it’s done baking and cooling.

Baking is an oddly creative endeavor, and though she has to remind herself to be careful when she starts to eat all of her own creations, she’s really enjoying it.

She takes the key lime empanadas to her get together with Mary and her other friends.

She’s only had her first session with the Baking Club that very day, but somehow she feels different now.

Her friends even comment on it.

“You seem very . . . lively,” Mary says, and Greer clutches her hands on her lap and smiles brightly.

“I’m just the same as I’ve always been. Just a bit busier.” Nothing important here, she thinks, nothing remarkable at all.

“No, I see it too,” Kenna agrees, and Lola and Aylee nod. Mary just studies her carefully, like she’s looking for something. Greer feels like she’s cringing inside, but she keeps a smile on her face.

Greer shrugs her shoulders. “I feel challenged,” she says.

“And that’s all this is?” Lola asks. “You’re just feeling challenged?”

“Of course, what else would it be?” What is this, she thinks, an inquisition?

Her friends have no answer for that. It’s certainly not polite to suggest that it’s anything other than what she’s said it is, so she pulls out her container, and shows them what she’s made.

“Oh, this is amazing,” Mary says, and Greer preens a little. Mary’s mother is on the community council, which makes her very likely to get a leadership-driven role after she graduates and undergoes the procedure.

To be honest, Greer doesn’t much care about that, though her father does. She just _likes_ her friends. They’re fun, and friendly, and good people.

They also really like her pastries, which makes her feel _different._ It’s a good feeling, whatever it is.

~~

Greer discovers that Leith is actually in two of her classes—physics and her English class(which Lola’s in too, which makes the idea of speaking to him in class oddly uncomfortable, though she can’t quite pinpoint why).

She’s not especially _good_ at physics though, and none of her friends are in the class, so she sits down next to Leith in class, because they don’t have assigned seating. “Are you any good at physics?” she asks. If she told her father she was already struggling a few weeks in, he’d be furious with her.

Disappointing though, Leith isn’t particularly talented at the subject either. “Not at all, are you?”

“Not really. I don’t suppose you’d like to study with me?” There’s something odd about the request that makes her nervous, but the words have already spilled out of her mouth, so she can’t exactly take them back.

Leith looks surprised, but he nods, and smiles slightly. “It’s better than struggling alone.”

She’s never really thought about it before, but she supposes it is better not to be alone.

~~

Their local library is gigantic. There’s always been something comforting about hiding amongst the stacks, and so that’s where Greer suggests that they go.

Friendships with the opposite gender are not prohibited, but they’re certainly scrutinized when they’re seen in public. They’re dangerous—love is a disease, it’ll destroy everything that you care about, etc, etc she thinks, rolling her eyes at the thought. Rules have a purpose, and she knows that, but she’s not technically breaking any rules.

There’s nothing dangerous about what she’s doing with Leith, Greer assures herself. They’re friends, and they’re studying, and what could be safer than that?

Three stories up they wander through the books until they find a comfortable place to sit down on the ground and study. It’s quiet, it’s unlikely to be found, and they can actually talk without being shushed, unlike in the open area spaces where most people like to stay.

For the first time, she’s essentially alone with Leith, and while it had seemed perfectly reasonable before, it seems less so now.

Her hands are sweaty, and her heart feels like it’s beating out of her chest.

“Let’s get started,” Greer says, because they have a chapter test the next day.

It’s better to focus on her schoolwork, she thinks.

It’s all going perfectly well too—they’re chatting, and studying, and laughing a little, because somehow when they’re together, it’s hard to stay _completely_ on task.

Greer reaches for a highlighter, and instead of feeling cold plastic she feels warm skin.

She pulls her hand away. “I’m so sorry,” she says, apologizing profusely.

“Me too,” Leith says quickly. “It seems we were both reaching for the highlighter, here you go,” he holds it out for her, and she gets distracted by looking into those kind, beautiful eyes of his, and grasps his hand again.

She breathes in sharply, but she doesn’t let go, not at first.

She can’t explain what it is, because she’s never felt this way before.

The moment begins to feel like it’s lasting far too long, and if she doesn’t pull away, she’s not sure what’s supposed to happen next, so she pulls her hand away, taking the highlighter. “Thank you,” she says, her voice much higher than it normally is. “Thank you,” she says again after clearing her throat, much more evenly this time.

“You’re welcome,” he says, and she feels her chest clench. She doesn’t dare look at him for the rest of their study session.

She thinks she knows what this is now.

~~

Her sisters won’t be back for hours because of some school assignment, and her father won’t be home from work until late that night either, and so Greer invites Leith over to work on baking for the fall musical’s tryouts.

It’s a terrible idea, but she tells herself it’s just because she has less experience, and it’ll be better not to sully the name of the club. It’s been two weeks since the day at the library, and since then she’s only allowed herself to be around Leith when there are others there too, but it’s making her feel antsy, and this is as good as excuse as any other. She’ll get over it, she thinks.

A miniscule part of her, she admits, might be curious about something else, something she won’t let herself put a name to, but she doesn’t let herself think like that.

Leith arrives, and they get to work.

It’s fun, if a little awkward, but of course that all changes quickly.

“You have—“ Greer hesitates. “You have flour on your face,” she says, trying not to smile, and failing terribly.

Leith smiles slightly, and Greer reaches up to his face to try to wipe it away, and then her breath catches, and she has to remind herself to breathe deeply.

He leans forward, and presses his lips to hers somewhat impulsively, and she feels a rush of emotion and hormones.

Her blood is singing through her veins, and he’s clutching her against him, and—this is _dangerous_ , she remembers. She wants to do this every moment for the rest of her life, she thinks fleetingly, but that’s a terrible thought.

It’s also clumsy and _amazing,_ but she pulls back, and touches her fingers to her lips. “That was—no, we can’t do this, oh no.” That’s the opposite of what she’d like to do and say, but she is strong, she is firm in her belief in who she is, and what she believes in. And this, this is _wrong._

“It was?” Leith sounds hurt, and a little breathy from their recent endeavor. “I rather liked it.”

Greer snaps back around from turning away from him, because she’d been feeling the need to pace. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she says, but she’s not sure what she means anymore.

This is all so terrible, and she doesn’t know how this has happened to her.

“What did you mean?” Leith asks, leaning back toward her, but not so close that she doesn’t still have a complete choice in the matter. She could step back, she reminds herself. She _should_ step back, she amends the thought.

Instead, she does nothing.

“We can’t do this,” she says.

“I know,” he says, and he runs his hands through his hair, which only serves to muss it up, and it’s just so— _so_ , she doesn’t know.

It’s enough to get her to reach out and put her arms around his neck, pulling him back in for another kiss.

You’re not supposed to kiss people. She knows people do it, but she’s never been remotely rebellious before this.

It’s still terrible, she thinks, but the way it _feels_ is amazing, like soaring through the sky, or biting into something amazing that Leith has baked.

She knows it’s dangerous, because of what everyone would say if they found out.

It doesn’t _feel_ the least bit dangerous though—it feels kind, and joyful, and _exciting._

~~

It’s easy to talk to Leith—it’s easy to open up about the things you aren’t supposed to feel, let alone say, and there’s simply no judgment.

She’s never felt this way before, not even with her friends. She tells them only what it’s appropriate to tell them, and maybe a dash more for spice.

Leith is different though.

He tells her about his family, and she tells him about hers, about her fears, about her hopes and dreams, and there’s something worrying about the way that they don’t talk about the obvious elephant in the room(but there’s no point in mentioning it, Greer thinks, because whether they talk about it or not, they’ll both be undergoing the procedure, and likely marrying other people, and there’s nothing to be done about that).

It’s not like it _matters_ , she tells herself. This is simply a diversion, it can’t possibly mean anything, and she certainly isn’t falling in love with him.

No, that would be unforgivable.

~~

They steal kisses when no one is looking.

Sometimes, Greer attempts to stop it, because it’s still wrong, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Sometimes she tells him that a kiss will be their last, but it never is. She means to stick to it, but she never manages it.

She wonders if he worries about this all too, if maybe he’s just as conflicted as she is.

She can’t talk to him about that though, because that makes it far more real than it already is.

She doesn’t tell her friends either, because she doesn’t know how to tell them, and the days and weeks pass by.

Their kisses get more heated, and their hands travel, getting more adventurous.

And sometimes, when she looks at him when he’s not looking back at her, and no one else is paying attention, she feels something intense inside of her, like she’s a volcano about to erupt.

Now that, she thinks, is dangerous.

~~

The end of the semester comes, and she no longer has excuses to spend time with him, and so she finds new ways to be with him anyway. She means to make it stop, of course. There’s an easy, built-in way to avoid him for a few weeks, but instead she makes up a million new reasons and ways to be with him.

They never meet each other’s parents—that’s far too dangerous—and they don’t even outwardly seem that friendly when they’re around other people.  They’re good at keeping everything a secret, which is how it has to be.

Greer has a theory that the other members of the little bake sale club(which rarely ever bakes for actual bake sales, as it’s more of an event-based thing at this point) might think they’re _something_ , but they never touch each other around the group, and they’re constantly, lightly bickering, so Greer thinks that might help.

If they seem like they dislike each other, then who would think they care for one another? It’s a perfect cover. It’s also natural to act that way, so she couldn’t stop even if she wanted to.

Greer once read a book that described what they’re doing as flirting, which apparently was romantic in nature, but Greer wasn’t even supposed to read that book, so she’d be shocked if anyone who might know them well enough had.

She feels safe, at least in that way, even though what they’re doing could end very badly for both of them.

School starts again, and it’s back to how things were before.

There’s no more going to a random store and browsing for half an hour, facing away from each other and talking, and pretending not to know each other.

What they’re doing terrifies her, but he doesn’t—Leith doesn’t scare her at all.

When she’s with him, she feels more at home than she’s ever felt in her own home, and it makes her start to worry.

Maybe this will crash and burn in time, she thinks.

They both have another year and a half before they go through the pairing process and see their options for marriage, and what are the chances that this _thing_ they’re doing together will still be happening?

Greer lets herself go down that train of thought, pretending that things will just sizzle out, and she’ll be ready when the time comes.

But the truth is that she feels more for him with every day, not less.

~~

They sneak out past curfew one night and meet in the middle of the woods.

Now this is truly a terrible idea, because she knows what punishments are given to the un-inoculated who are found out past curfew, and she tells Leith about them in great deal, but somehow he isn’t persuaded.

Somehow, she finds herself out past curfew anyway.

They might have gone for the beach, which would probably have been more romantic, but Greer knows from her father’s stories of patrols that the ‘weak’ are more likely to be found near the ocean, and so that’s one of the most heavily patrolled areas.

They go to a small clearing in the forest—it’s the perfect size for them to both to lie down on the blankets that they’ve brought.

Greer thinks someone might have cleared it for romantic rendezvous long before them, and the thought makes her heart clench.

They lie down, her hand in his, staring up at the sky.

Because of the overgrowth of the trees, there’s only a small part of the sky visible, but the sky is so clear there that you can actually see the stars.

“I’ve never had the time to just look up at the stars like this before,” she says softly, nearly whispering, even though there’s little chance of them being found like this, since they’re off the forest paths. She doesn’t know how Leith knew this little spot exists, but it’s nice, so she doesn’t worry overly much about it.

“We’re not supposed to,” Leith points out. “Looking up at the stars is too romantic for society’s tastes.” He sounds irritated by the thought, like he often does when any societal rules come up. It makes her nervous, but somehow it also makes her feel brave, like she can open up the little box of thoughts and feelings she keeps locked away, and actually wonder about the world.

“True,” Greer admits, and she moves closer to Leith, placing her head on his chest. “I bet you do anyway though. I bet you bring all the girls here,” she teases, and he laughs.

“Just you,” he promises, and she believes it without any sort of reason or proof.

He starts to play with her hair, and something inside of her feels heavier than before.

There’s an ache in her when she’s around him, and it only intensifies when they touch like this, when there’s little separating her from him.

The stars are beautiful, she thinks.

Beyond the difficulty of finding time and space to _be_ with him, it’s far too easy to be around him. She’s never felt so naked before, and yet she’s at peace, perfectly comfortable in her own skin.

She closes her eyes and feels his arms pull around her lightly, holding her comfortably.

She could lie here forever, she thinks.

~~

The spring semester comes and goes, and time begins to fly by so quickly that Greer begins to worry in earnest. At the beginning of your senior year you get your checkups, and you take your exams, and you get a list of potential mates.

Summer begins, and with it comes heat, and Greer and Leith have to become increasingly creative to spend time together.

The one thing they don’t do is have sex, because the last thing Greer needs is to have to explain to her future husband why she’s not a virgin, or worse yet, why she’s pregnant with another man’s child. One thing she doesn’t understand about the laws of her civilization is the choice to do away with birth control, but that’s beside the point.

She wants Leith.

She wants to be with him constantly, in every way possible. Something inside of her stops her from humiliating herself and her family, but only just barely.

She feels frenzied, flushed, and anxious, and she’s beginning to understand what people mean when they talk about the dangers of amor deliria nervosa.

She’s fine, she tells herself. She’ll end things before the next step of her life begins, and they’ll both get their surgeries, and they’ll forget they ever felt this way.

They’ll probably never even speak again, she thinks, which makes her heart feel heavy in her chest. She ignores the feeling, and reminds herself that she still has months before then.

She’ll be just fine.

~~

One day, Aylee reveals a secret.

“I’ve been having _feelings_ ,” she says, red with shame, Greer thinks, though it turns out that that’s far from the truth. “For, uh, a person. I think—I think I’m in love.” There’s something about the way that she says it that scares Greer. _She_ isn’t in love, she tells herself. She hasn’t been as foolish as Aylee, no, of course not.

There’s something about that that feels like a lie, and so Greer ignores it and tries to focus on the present situation.

Mary looks around, as if to make them all promise they won’t betray their friend—she could end up highly medicated if anyone were to find out, or worse, she could be locked up until her procedure, because they can’t give it to you if you’re younger than eighteen. Greer thinks they would do it at birth if it didn’t cause significant developmental defects, and oftentimes, well, death.

None of them would say anything anyway, because their friendship demands their loyalty.

“How did it happen?” Lola asks.

Aylee sighs, and then smiles slightly. “I don’t know, it just . . . happened. Gradually, and then suddenly I felt it so completely.”

“Who—does this person return your love?” Greer asks carefully.

“She does,” Aylee says, and that’s an interesting development. Long ago, when love still ran rampant, people loved others of all genders, but life is different now. If you don’t love, then it doesn’t matter who you marry, so long as you are not diseased, and you fulfill your duties. Greer wonders what life must have been like then, with such full and broken hearts. Not everyone had loved, she knows, at least not romantically. But now no one is allowed to love at all(not family, not friends, not anyone), and she wonders if they’re truly the better for it.

“She?” Kenna looks oddly impressed, which makes Greer almost laugh. Kenna would have been Greer’s guess for the most likely of the group to fall prey to the deliria, and Aylee would have been the least likely. It just goes to show that love is unpredictable, just like everyone says.

“Yes,” Aylee affirms. “It’s the most amazing feeling I’ve ever felt.” It’s also amazing, Greer knows.

“It’s dangerous,” Mary reminds her delicately.  This conversation is so near and dear to Greer’s current dilemma that she almost laughs.

Greer clutches her hands in her lap, and tries to ignore how hard her heart is pounding in her chest.

“What are you going to do?” Lola asks suddenly, and Greer looks up sharply.

Aylee winces. “We’re going to run away,” she says softly, and Greer feels like her eyes are bugging out of her skull.

“What?” Greer shakes her head. “Where will you go? What will you _do?”_

“I love her,” Aylee says. “I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me. If we stay, we’ll lose our love, and our selves. The procedure isn’t _natural_.”

“It protects us,” Mary says gently. “The way you’re talking—it’s irrational, it’s just a symptom of the disease.”

Mary has to say that though, because it’s so important that she does.

It’s important that they all do, but Greer knows as well as they all do that there are plenty of people who play at love before they get their procedure, and they go on to have perfectly happy, non-loving lives.

Greer reminds herself of this quite often, especially when she’s feeling weak, or like she might care for Leith too much.

She’ll get over it. “You’ll get over it,” she tells Aylee, who simply shakes her head. “The procedure will fix everything, Aylee.”

“I don’t need fixing,” Aylee says softly, reaching out her hand and placing it on top of Greer’s. “If you felt what I feel, you’d know that it feels _good_. Amazing. It’s the most wonderful thing that will ever happen to me.”

“But it will go away,” Greer insists, having to believe it herself.

“No, Greer,” Aylee says softly. “It’ll be taken from me. From all of us. The ability to love is a gift.”

Greer thinks it’s much more like a curse, but the truth is that she knows what Aylee means.

There’s something beautiful about the way she feels for Leith.

“Where will you go?” she asks again.

“Outside the gates,” Aylee says softly. “They always say that there’s nothing out there, but I know differently. I’ve heard whispers of a resistance, of people who live their lives with happiness and love. And I want to be one of them. I’m _going_ to be one of them.” Greer has never heard the slightest whisper of rebellion, of _resistance_ , but she’s also never really thought about what might be outside of the community gates other than other communities.

“Oh, Aylee, are you sure?” Even Kenna is worried, which means something, considering that she’s been known to dabble in romance. If Greer were to tell anyone about Leith, she thinks she’d tell Kenna, because maybe she’d understand.

Greer doesn’t think Kenna has ever been in love though, which probably makes all the difference.

“I am. And if any of you would like to come with us—“ Aylee trails off.

“We can’t just run away,” Lola points out. “They’ll find us.”

“They won’t,” Aylee insists. “If we get out of the city gates, then we’ll be safe, and we’ll never have to worry about the monstrous procedure again.”

“But what will you _do_?” Greer asks. “How will you live?”

“Off the land at first, until we come across a settlement. Then—then everything will be okay.”

“Will they accept you?” Greer asks. “You could be some sort of spy, or they could just not like you at all.”

Aylee twirls strands of her bright blond hair around in her fingers. “My love has connections with the nearest settlement. They’ll vouch for us. They’ll vouch for you too, if you’d like to come.”

“When will you leave?” Mary inquires.

Aylee frowns slightly, bowing her head. “Soon, before our senior year checkups.”

“Wow,” Kenna says. “Well, good luck.” Her voice wavers just a tad, and anyone who didn’t know her would think she didn’t feel conflicted even a bit.

 “You have some time to decide if you want to come with us,” Aylee says softly. The room is quiet now, digesting her words.

Greer doesn’t even let herself consider it.

She can’t leave.

~~

Aylee disappears, and somehow _Mary_ of all people does too.

It’s shocking, actually, to realize that two of her closest friends are just _gone_.

And she’ll never know why Mary left—in the weeks between Aylee telling them of her plan to leave and the day that they actually leave, Mary had never indicated that she’d had any interest in leaving.

Greer wonders if Mary had a secret love, or if she’d just wanted a new life.

This one has so many restrictions, Greer admits.

Sometimes she’s not sure what she’s staying for. After she has her own household, she’s legally not even allowed to see her father and her sisters again anyway. She won’t miss her father, but she will miss her sisters.

Greer has no idea what she’s doing anymore.

~~

“My friends are gone,” she tells Leith, and he squeezes her hand in comfort.

“Do you wish we could have gone with them?”

Greer hadn’t told him that it was even an option, because she couldn’t let herself do that, but now she’s not so sure.

Maybe she’s made a mistake, she thinks.

“No,” Greer says, and it feels a bit like a lie.

They don’t like to talk about the future, not like this, because they know how it ends.

But now, with the first set of exams taking place next week and the preliminary checkup for the procedure occurring the week after, Greer wonders how much longer they can refuse to speak of it.

Well, she thinks, she wonders how much longer _she_ can avoid speaking of it, because Leith often tries to, and she shuts him down quickly.

This time she doesn’t.

“Maybe we should leave,” Leith suggests. “Because if we stay here, we’re going to lose everything we love about ourselves and each other.”

Greer looks at him sharply. “Do not speak of love, Leith.”

Leith places his hands on either side of her face and looks into her eyes. “Greer Norwood, I am in love with you, and I will not deny it any longer.”

“We can’t do this,” Greer points out. “We could get caught, we could be _killed.”_ They’ve all heard the stories, the rumors of what happens to those who do not comply with the community’s rules.

“And if we stay, we might as well be dead.” Leith is still holding onto the sides of her face, and it’s hurting her to have this conversation, to tell him no, but she has to.

“Leith—“ She tastes the salt of the tears she’s shedding now, and she doesn’t know what else to say.

Her heart feels like it’s breaking, and now she really understands the pain of the deliria now, doesn’t she?

She looks into Leith’s eyes, and leans forward to kiss him.

“I am in love with you,” he says again when they pull away from each other, and then he kisses her again, and her heart feels like it’s singing or flying or some other impossible nonsense romantic notion.

She can’t let herself say it, she can’t—“I love you too,” she says in a rush, even though she’s desperately trying not to let the words out, because she cannot let this be _real._

“Run away with me,” he pleads, but she shakes her head, still crying.

“I can’t.”

“Greer—“ he’s going to wear her down, she can feel it, but she must stay strong for her sisters, for her family, for—she’s not even sure anymore, but it’s all she has left.

“No,” she says, shaking her head. “I can’t.”

Leith steps back now, nodding his head. She’s hurt him, she can tell, and she wants to reach out for him, but how can she now? “You won’t.”

“I can’t,” she says again. “Please, Leith, understand—“

“Greer,” Leith begins, then stops, closing his eyes as if to control his pain, which he’s surely in. “I won’t stay here and have this taken away from us. I won’t watch you marry someone else, love or not. You’ll end up feeling empty and lost, and miserable.”

It hurts to hear him say that, but Greer reaches out for his hand anyway. He steps even further away from her. “I love you,” she gasps out, pleading for something, though she’s not quite sure what. It’s just not enough, she wants to say.

“And I love you,” Leith says shakily, “But it’s not enough, is it?” and he turns away from her and leaves.

She has a sinking feeling she’ll never see him again.

~~

Her exams go surprisingly well.

She goes to her checkup, and Kenna and Lola are both there for theirs too, and she wonders how this all happened to them.

How did they end up this way?

Who have they become?

The chair she sits in feels cold and clinical, and she knows she shouldn’t be surprised by it.

The doctor asks questions, and she does her best to answer them.

The doctor explains how the procedure works, and she tunes the woman out. She knows what it does, that’s all that matters to her.

~~

Kenna is miserable. She’s always been one to go to parties, especially the kinds that are against the law. Greer knows that she’s been with boys before, and while she used to think that was foolish, she’s beginning to regret not having been with Leith the way she’d wanted to.

Life is so incredibly short, and what could they have done to her?  All they could have done was knock her down a few pegs and have her marry someone she’d like a little less, and have a job that would make her father a little less proud of her.

That somehow doesn’t seem as bad now since Leith is already long gone.

Kenna wants to leave now too, she regrets not having left with Mary and Aylee. Greer does too, though she hates herself for it.

“We’ve made a mistake,” Kenna insists. It’s not just the parties, Greer thinks, studying Kenna carefully. She’s afraid. Of what, Greer can’t be sure. Losing herself, losing her friends, losing her heart, maybe.

Greer can’t let herself think like that, and Lola—Lola is happy with the way things are. They’ve started to get their recommended matches, and Lola is really connecting with one of hers. She’s brighter, happier than Greer has ever seen her. Some people are happy after the procedure, Greer tells herself. Some people are like Lola, and they’re perfectly happy with their lives.

Greer is not so lucky, and Kenna is utterly miserable.

Greer begins to feel a bit like Leith had warned—she feels empty and dead inside.

~~

Greer misses Leith. He’s gone, never to be seen again, as far as she knows.

She wonders if he’s alive or dead, then cuts off that train of thought, because she can’t think like that.

Time passes quickly, the months flying by like nothing at all, and then the semester ends, and their birthdays arrive.

Lola’s birthday comes first, and she’s so full of life and excitement.

Greer is almost jealous of Lola. She’s earned a nice job with her interviews and exam scores, and once she has her procedure her life will slip perfectly into place.

Greer’s birthday is six weeks after this, and Kenna’s is two after that. Mary and Aylee would have been the last of the group to have their procedures, but now, Greer thinks, there’s no point in wasting time thinking about that.

She wonders if they’re happy, if they’ve found what they’re looking for.

She and Kenna wait in the waiting room for Lola to come back out of her surgery. It takes hours for them to release Lola, but still they stay and wait. It’s a simple procedure, she knows, though they have to do it with great care. There’s little recuperation time, and it takes immediate effect once you’ve awoken from the anesthesia.

Friendship is everything, Greer thinks. It’s the one thing she really has left. She won’t get her job assignment for a week or two more, and she hates her would-be husband, though her father thinks he’s delightful, of course, because it looks like he’s on a high-rising career track.

Greer doesn’t care about any of that anymore.

When the person at the front desk leaves for a bathroom break, Kenna reaches out and grabs Greer’s hand and squeezes.

“She’ll be okay,” Kenna says, though she sounds like she doesn’t really believe it.

“I certainly hope so,” Greer says. Greer has only ever come in contact with people before or after their procedure. She’s never known someone, and then also seen them after the surgery.

She’s not overly concerned though, because the surgery isn’t supposed to change who a person is fundamentally. It’s only supposed to take away the diseased parts of you.

Lola eventually comes out, and Greer and Kenna jump up to greet her.

The doctor guides her over to them, and they stand on either side of her to help her stand.

“I’m sorry, I’m a bit woozy.”

“She should be okay in a few hours, just make sure that she gets home safe and sound before you let her out of your sight,” the doctor warns before patting Lola’s arm awkwardly and walking away.

“How did it feel?” Greer asks.

“Do you feel different?” Kenna inquires.

Lola shakes her head. “I feel fantastic.” She doesn’t _look_ fantastic, but Greer rather thinks she deserves her pride and so she doesn’t comment on that.

Lola doesn’t seem too different, but she’s also still a bit woozy, so it’s hard to tell if there are any lasting effects.

By the time they drop her off and wander off to get frozen yogurt before heading home, Greer doesn’t have any real answers, and so she pushes the thought from her mind.

~~

Lola _is_ different.

She’s slightly more calculating now, and far less interested in the person she’s marrying, except in terms of how _practical_ the arrangement is.

Lola used to be excited and happy, and now she just seems . . . overly calm, Greer thinks, though it’s not quite the best way to describe it.

Lola has always been calm, but she used to have a spark, something _different._ She used to be happy, Greer thinks, but the best thing Greer can really say about her now is that she’s just so _calm._

Time passes by, and her own procedure drifts closer and closer, and she goes to bed thinking of Leith, and wakes up with his face fading in a dreamy haze.

“I can’t do this,” Kenna tells her one day when it’s just the two of them. “Lola is still Lola, but she’s _less_ Lola now, and I don’t—I don’t want to be less me. And it’s not because I have some secret lover like Aylee, I just. I want to be _me_ , Greer.”

Greer understands the sentiment, she does. “I don’t even know who _I_ am,” Greer admits.

Kenna reaches out and pats Greer’s shoulder. “You’ll figure it out. But if we do this, if we undergo the procedure, then we’ll never really be us again.”

“Do you really think the procedure can change so much of what we are fundamentally?” Greer asks. “Maybe Lola’s just adjusting to her new job, and preparing for her marriage. Maybe she’s just nervous.”

Greer isn’t sure if she’s trying to get Kenna to talk her into or out of something.

Considering that she’s talking to Kenna though, there’s only really one option. That must say everything about what Greer really wants, she thinks, though she’s not sure she’s ready to admit it.

She’s not sure she has the time to deny it for much longer either though.

“I don’t know,” Kenna says in response to Greer’s question. “But it changes you, takes something important about you and—it’s like you’re a fire, and someone’s thrown water on you,” she muses.

Greer thinks of who she is as a person, thinks of what she’ll lose after the procedure.

She’ll lose the capability to _feel_ , she thinks.

It’s hard not to think of Leith then, because so much of what she feels is tied into him, but she’s also concerned about her family, about her _life_.

Who is she really?

Who is Greer Norwood without the effects of the deliria—she strikes that out in her mind, because no, that’s not what this is about, it’s not about _disease._

Who is she without _love?_

She doesn’t know yet, she thinks, but she’s not sure that she wants to find out.

She thinks of her two younger sisters, and she knows that she doesn’t want them to ever have to find out either. She’ll do it for herself, and for them too, she decides.

~~

They make a plan to leave all that they’ve ever known.

It’s dangerous, of course. If they’re caught, then they could end up imprisoned or dead.

There’s the possibility that they’ll make it outside and get lost, of course, and that they’ll end up starving and dehydrated, which makes Greer insist that she and Kenna carefully pack a bag before leaving.

They have to be incredibly careful, because too much will weigh them down and stop them from getting out, and too little will have them dead before they find a new home.

It’s irrational, she thinks, this plan of theirs.

It’s _terrible_.

It’s funny, she thinks, because it proves how dangerous the deliria truly is.

She and Kenna plan a nice day with Lola before they leave, because they can’t trust her with their plan. It isn’t that they don’t love her, but she no longer feels a true loyalty for them.

She’s still nice, and ‘appropriately’ polite, but they don’t know if she can be trusted, and therefore she can’t.

The next day, Greer goes about her day like nothing is strange or out of the ordinary, like she’s not planning on leaving her life behind.

She’s prepared to ask her sisters to come with her. She can’t guarantee that they’ll say yes, and if they say no, she can’t stay. She wouldn’t be able to see them again after her procedure anyway, and she won’t put herself through that.

She can’t stay, and she can only hope that they’ll come with her. She’s been dropping slight hints for days, about how strange the rules of their community are, about how love actually sounds _exciting_ , not scary, but they don’t take any of her hints. So today she’ll make her last ditch effort, she thinks, and she can only hope for the best.

So much of this is _wrong,_ she thinks.

Later in the day, a little before she’s supposed to meet Kenna with her sisters, and after her father has gone to bed, she goes to their shared room and sits down on one of the beds.

“If you could go somewhere else,” she chooses her words carefully. “Would you want to?”

Lillian and Alice simply stare at her in confusion.

“Are you going to leave?” Alice asks, and Greer hesitates.

“If she is,” Lillian says and then stops, her brow furrowing in thought for a moment. “Then she should leave soon, before we tell daddy.”

“Lillian,” Alice chastises. “That’s not very nice. If Greer wants to leave, then we should let her leave.” She turns to Greer and looks apologetic. “If you want us to go with you though, I—I’m afraid we won’t.”

“It doesn’t have to be like this—“ Greer has been preparing several plans of attack for this very moment, but Alice shakes her head, and Lillian looks disgusted.

“Is there any chance you’ll reconsider?” she asks, hoping against hope that somehow deep inside them there’s some sort of doubt about their current lives, or even the slightest desire to leave.

She doesn’t care for their answers.

They don’t want to leave. They’re comfortable here, and at least several years from their own procedures, and they’re just so _young_.

She tells herself in this moment that if she escapes she’ll try to come back for them one day, though there’s little chance that they’d want to come. And one day, she thinks, they’ll get their procedures, and there will be even less hope than there is now.

All she can do now is say goodbye and hope they meet again.

~~

Greer had broken into her father’s office to take a look at his patrol schedules for the officers under his watch, and it had been easy enough to settle on very, very late one night, practically early morning as the safest time for their escape.

They’d specifically chosen a day where the officers would be short-staffed because of some sort of council event that had required excessive security.

It had been easy enough to make their plans, but now Greer is nervous to her very core.

She’s not sure if this is truly a good idea, or if she’s just holding onto some idea of a boy she’d let go of months before. A

It’s not just him, she tells herself. She’d like to see her other friends again, she’d like a chance to figure out who she is without people screaming down at her and trying to force her to be what _they_ want her to be.

There’s a part of her that can’t deny missing Leith though.

~~

They manage to get past the first set of guards, but they still have a mile to go before they hit the fences, which, of course, they’ll have to climb over.

Greer is thankfully in shape from years of cross country, and Kenna was on the soccer team, so they’re making fairly good time.

She prefers the little sections of trees to the open spaces. It’s much easier to hide, of course, and so they provide her with a sense of security.

It’s a dark night, and the moon is a small sliver in the sky, and the stars are sparkly against their dark backdrop.

Soon, she thinks, she’ll be free of this.

She thinks of Lola, and the way that Lola speaks of her _disappointment_ in Mary and Aylee for leaving, and knows that Lola will speak in that same way of Greer and Kenna now.

It’s strange, she thinks.

If only Lola had gone with them, if she’d felt the call of freedom, then she wouldn’t be like this now.

But then, Greer thinks, she would have undergone the surgery herself without that warning.

She hears a bird chirp and she freezes in her tracks.

Kenna turns and hisses at her. “ _Greer, come on_.”

She’s still frozen until Kenna grabs her hand, pulling her along, and her body remembers what’s at stake, and they start to run faster.

They’re so close, _almost there_ when they hear the voice.

“What are you doing out here?” The voice shouts at them.

If they keep running, Greer thinks, then they’ll make it to the wall, and they can get there before the guard gets to them.

Kenna is great at sweet-talking people, and Greer knows this, but they can make it if they run, and if they don’t struggle too much with the climb then they’ll be free.

They’re so close Greer can practically taste it.

They run as fast as they can now, not even bothering to try to be quiet anymore. Greer can hear the guard still shouting, running towards them, and she hears the chirp of the radio that means other guards are being informed.

It’ll be too late, Greer thinks with a thrill of panic.

They get to the fence, which is part brick and part chain link, and Kenna starts climbing immediately.

Greer hears shots ring out, and she starts to turn back when Kenna yells at her. “Just climb,” she screams, and Greer acquiesces.

They’ve come too far, she thinks.

She can’t go back.

She scrapes her hands on the brick, and struggles to lift herself up to the rest of the fence, which will be a lot easier to climb up.

She hears louder yelling now, and she lifts herself up to the top, looking back down to see the face of a guard threatening to shoot them.

Kenna just topples herself over the fence, apparently hoping for the best.

Greer closes her eyes and does the same.

~~

She feels dazed for a moment, but then Kenna is pulling at her arm and screaming at her that they need to go, and she thinks that _this_ is a true friend.

She gets up slowly, reorienting herself, and feels her body ache a bit.

She hears the guards on the other side of the fence and the adrenaline kicks in again, and she feels nothing but panic.

They run for what feels like hours, through empty space and then into an abandoned town.

Greer remembers her lessons as a child, she remembers hearing about entire cities decimated by the plague of human emotion, which is the root of all evil, of war and the destruction of peace.

This town is not so hard off, though it looks like no one has been here in a long time.

“We can’t stay,” Greer says, and Kenna nods.

Of course they can’t.

They’re still too close, and although getting over the wall had given them a significant advantage, it’s still likely that there’s a search party after them.

Greer wonders why it’s so easy to escape.

She wonders if they just aren’t too concerned if people leave, because they think that anyone foolish enough to do so will die of dehydration or starvation.

She remembers when she was younger that they used to show executions of those who attempted to escape, but then that had scared people, her mother had said, and that had only made people more rebellious.

Greer wonders how many people try, and how many people succeed.

After she’d gotten up after they’d fallen over the fence, she’d looked down at her hands to see blood. At first she’d thought she’d been bleeding, but then she’d realized that it was rusty and powdery, like someone else had bled for their attempt at freedom.

She wonders how many have died for it.

~~

They run into a small patch of forest about a day into their journey and Greer feels more comfortable almost immediately. There’s better cover, and some recognizable fruit to supplement the food they’d been able to bring.

Kenna sits down when they stop to rest, and sighs, leaning her head against the side of a tree.

“I’m cold,” she whines, and Greer rather agrees.

It’s very _wet_ in the forest, and they’d tracked through mud, which had made them incredibly dirty and irritable.

“It’ll be better soon,” Greer assures her, even though she knows that’s not necessarily the case.

Kenna gives her a look that shows how little _she_ believes that and shakes her head. “I don’t even know where we’re going.”

“Aylee said that if we change our minds that we should just head south,” Greer reminds her. “We’re going in the . . . general direction that they must have headed in.”

“General is not very specific though, is it?” Kenna points out. “Should we nudge a little to the west, or to the east? Should we just try to make it a straight line? We know there are other large communities like ours—what if we run into one? Those things are so large and expansive, we’ll have to completely recalibrate our approach. We were quite lucky to have lived near to the edge of the barrier, you know. We could have had extra hours to travel before we’d even hit the walls.”

Greer tilts her head to the side. “Are you being positive or negative now? I can’t quite keep up.”

“Just realistic,” Kenna replies with a slight smile. The smile fades almost immediately. “I worry for Lola.”

“I do too,” Greer admits. “I worry for my sisters and my father too, despite his frustrating attributes.”

“I wonder—“ Kenna sighs. “I wish things were different.”

“Me too,” Greer agrees, and she feels it in her bones. “Maybe one day they will be.”

~~

The mountains are in some ways better than the long stretches of trees. They more commonly come across streams, and that allows them to replenish their water supply and avoid dying of dehydration, so at least there’s that.

Inconveniently, however, it does slow them down. They try to find paths through, and they try to follow old roads, because at this point it’s likely that no one is still looking for them anyway.

Previous civilizations must have carved out these roads, Greer thinks. She wonders what those people were like beyond their predisposition to war and love, and so she asks Kenna.

“I read a quote once in a history book hidden away in the library,” Kenna says. She frowns. “You know, I always wondered why they allowed so many stories of love to be present in our archives. Wouldn’t it make more sense to try to erase any sign of a world before ours?”

Greer contemplates this and shrugs, “Maybe they thought we didn’t care enough to go looking for the truth. Or maybe they thought the stories would persuade us against love—warn us against the perils.” Kenna nods, as if that makes sense to her. “What was the quote?”

“All’s fair in love and war,” Kenna says. “I always thought it was an interesting saying. Maybe that’s why the previous world fell to pieces.”

“It is quite a terrible way to look at the world,” Greer agrees.  She wonders if her own society’s way of viewing love as a poison—as a _disease—_ is any better.

Probably not.

~~

“Why did you want to leave?” Kenna asks Greer one day. They’ve been traveling for about a week now, and they’ve talked about nearly everything else, somehow avoiding the topic of _why_ they’re doing what they’re doing.

Greer wipes sweat off her brow from the heat and misses the rain. “Why did you?” she asks, tossing the question back to Kenna.

Kenna is quiet for a moment. “I’ve never been happy with my life. I’ve always wanted _more._ ”

Greer nods her head. “But then why didn’t you go with Aylee and Mary?”

Kenna is silent again, this time for even longer. “I didn’t realize how much of yourself that you had to lose to fit in.”

Greer contemplates that. She understands that better than she’d ever thought she would.

Her sense of self is important to her now, even though there are times when she can’t even see herself clearly.

But how can she ever if she doesn’t give herself that opportunity?

She could tell Kenna that she’d made the same choice for the same seasons as she did, and that’s true. But there’s more, she thinks.

She has nothing left to lose. “I fell in love,” Greer blurts out, and Kenna stops in her tracks and looks at her. 

“You did not.”

“I did,” Greer admits. “With the boy from the baking club.”

“The cute blond one?” Kenna asks, an eyebrow raised. “I’m impressed.”

Greer laughs and shakes her head. “Leith is—“ she starts to say. “He makes me feel fresh and new, like everything is bright and joyful.”

“Like a crisp salad in broad daylight?” Kenna teases, smiling slightly. “Where is he now?”

“I don’t know,” she admits. “He left. But I don’t know where he went, or if he even managed to escape.”

“He did,” Kenna says firmly. “You have to believe that.” There’s an unspoken question of _why didn’t you go with him?_

The truth is that Greer wishes she had. She wishes she’d had the courage to love him as fully as her heart tells her to.  She’s trying now, she reminds herself, and hopefully it isn’t too late.

She wonders if she’ll ever get the chance now.

~~

They come across _people_ , and those people are suspicious of them at first.

This could turn in to quite a mess, but then Kenna drops Aylee and Mary’s names, and suddenly the suspicion lessens.

Greer feels a rush of relief when the people introduce themselves and take them back to their camp.

Blindfolded, of course, but that’s fine. They’re finally going to be okay.

 _Finally_ , she thinks again. Finally.

~~

Their blindfolds are removed and they see a surprisingly large operation.

It’s probably the size of a small town, Greer thinks. Maybe enough space for a few hundred people.

She looks around immediately for her friends and they reunite with squeals and smiles(and a small moment of sadness for Lola, which breaks Greer’s heart a bit).

Aylee is perfectly recognizable, except she’s far more tan and she’s happier than Greer has ever seen her before.

Mary is less recognizable, especially since she’s wrapped in the arms of an attractive blond man.

“Good for her,” Kenna whispers before they approach her, and Greer stifles a laugh.

“He’s attractive,” Kenna says suddenly and Greer turns to look where Kenna is looking.

“Who?” she asks, but Kenna’s already pulling her over towards Mary.

There’s a true kindness in the universe, Greer thinks, because she’s been reunited with her friends.

There’s someone missing though.

It’s hard not to look around every corner for Leith, but she doesn’t know how to ask for him, or if she should, or if he’ll never want to see her again anyway. It’s been months since he left and she’s terrified that he’s dead, or that he’s found someone else, or that he’s simply not here and she’s going to have to leave this place(and her friends) to seek him out.

In this moment she realizes that she will, if necessary.

Love should be fought for.

~~

She asks Mary, because Mary’s . . . whatever he is seems fairly important in this little community, and Mary asks Francis(which is apparently the attractive blond’s name)

“He’s out with one of the hunting parties,” Francis tells her, and Greer feels an instant rush of joy that’s followed by fear and worry.

“Is that dangerous?”

“Everything’s dangerous out here,” Francis says, and Greer has a strong urge to roll her eyes. Obviously.

“But is he likely to come back soon? Will he be okay?”

Francis nods. “In a few weeks at the most.”

“For a hunting party?” It seems strange that it would take so long.

“This place is an offshoot of a larger community, and the group went to visit them first, I’m afraid.” Francis’s words are a blessing and a curse, Greer thinks.

Leith is likely alive—knowledge that makes her heart soar—but there’s no indication of whether he has a sweetheart here, or if he’s full of hate for her, and she doesn’t quite feel comfortable asking Francis about this.

She’ll have to wait.

~~

They put her to work in the kitchens, and she’s terribly grateful for that. It’s comforting, and it reminds her of Leith. Her other option was to work with the growers, but she prefers the comfort of the indoors(and she doesn’t know much about plants besides how to cook and eat them).

“Can you make bread?” they ask, and Greer closes her eyes and thinks of the sunny day when Leith showed her how, and how his arms had gone around her to show her how to knead it (not because they’d needed to, but because they both wanted them to).

“Yes,” she says, and she hopes for a day when she’ll make it with Leith again.

~~

Her heart is in Leith’s hands.

She’ll be strong, she tells herself. She can exist without him(this is true, she’d been preparing herself for that reality for months), but she doesn’t _want_ to have to live without him.

Kenna flirts with a brown-haired man—Francis’s brother Bash apparently—and he seems quite taken with her. Aylee and her love are happy and content, and Mary is happy in love too.

It seems that love is an important part of this place. There are some though who are perfectly happy without love, some who have no interest in romantic notions at all. There are those who left the comfort of their communities because the idea of being stuck with some other person for the rest of their life is distasteful. Greer thinks she understands that.

Most of all these people simply want control over their own lives. They want to make their own decisions and live by their own hand. Besides daily duties, of which there are surprisingly few, all you have to do to stay here is keep after yourself and follow simple rules. Greer has no desire to steal anything or kill someone, so she’s not overly concerned about those rules.

She’s in the kitchen one day when a girl runs in sobbing, because her heart has been broken by the boy she loves, and Greer wonders if that will be her soon.

“It’ll be okay,” Greer tells her, sprinkling an extra bit of sugar on a pastry before handing it to her. There’s joy in sweetness, she knows.

Sugar may not heal her heart, but it will certainly perk her up a bit.

“I’ll be okay,” the girl, Amelia, says.

“You will be,” Greer agrees, and she knows the same for herself.

She’ll be okay.

“You’ll find love again,” Greer tells the girl, and she imagines falling in love with someone other than Leith.

Or, well, she tries and fails.

~~

She’s asleep, not dreaming of anything much in particular, when she’s gently nudged awake.

“Greer,” she hears, and she opens her eyes wide at the voice, sitting up so quickly that she feels dizzy.

“Leith,” she cries out. Her small little cubby room is filled by him, and she doesn’t know what to say or do. She decides on the obvious. “You’re back.”

“I am,” he says, and she wonders if he doesn’t know what to say either.

She can barely see his face in the darkness. “Sit,” she says, and he sits at the edge of her bed awkwardly.

“I—“ Leith begins. “Francis said that someone had been asking for me while I was gone, and I was shocked when he told me your name.”

Greer smiles ruefully, even though she knows he can’t see her.

She wants to reach out for his hands and take them in her own, she wants to kiss him, she wants—she wants a lot of things.

“You didn’t come with me,” Leith says softly.

“I know, Leith. I’m sorry, I just didn’t realize—I didn’t _know—_ I made a mistake.” She’s flustered now, and she hates the feeling, always has. She can’t imagine anyone likes the feeling, of course, but that’s beside the point, she mentally chastises herself.

He’ll never forgive her, she thinks. But she’s come this far, she reminds herself. She’s _here_ , and she loves him.

“I almost died on my trip here,” Leith tells her. “I was alone, and injured, and I ran out of water early on, and it took me a few days to find the streams.”

“Oh, Leith,” she says, her fingers twitching to comfort him—to take his hands in hers, or cup his face, or _anything._ “I’m so sorry. I should have been with you.”

She closes her eyes and feels overwhelmed with regret.

“I’m fine, and you’re fine—“ Leith pauses. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

“I know,” Greer winces. “I know. And I’m not going to ask anything of you, I don’t expect you to still—“ her eyes threaten tears and she blinks them back.

Leith is silent, and Greer has her answer. Of course he doesn’t still love her. He probably hates her now.

She’ll be okay, she tells herself. She’ll move on, be productive, maybe fall in love again someday—this thought is the one that makes her tears fall, and she wipes them away furiously, sniffing and breathing in deeply.

She’s fine.

Leith grasps her hands with his own and squeezes.

“I love you,” he says with such fervor it makes her heart shake in her chest.

“You do?” she asks, just to make sure, because she has to make sure, she has to know that she hasn’t misunderstood, that there’s not a ‘but’ hiding in there somewhere.

“I do,” Leith says, and he leans forward, leaning his forehead against hers, letting go of her hands and cupping her face.

“I love you too,” she says, and this time it doesn’t break her heart so much as it completes it.

She feels a heavy weight lift off of her, and they just sit there enjoying the stillness of the moment.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come with you,” she whispers eventually.

“Don’t worry,” he tells her. “We’re together now,” he says, and she feels that in her heart.

She pulls back slightly and kisses him now with everything she’d held back before.

There’s nothing to fear anymore.

~~

The first time they make love, she’s not even afraid.

She’s clumsy, yes, but so is he.

They’re knocking heads and laughing, and trying to figure out how all of it is supposed to go, and somehow the smoothness of their kissing sessions is gone, and they’re both silly and light and awkward.

Later, she thinks, she’ll go back for her sisters.

Later, this community and its neighbors will go to war to save the hearts and souls of the many people living under the control of fools who don’t understand that the problem with humanity is not love, but those who do terrible things in its name.

For now, however, she enjoys the moment.

She feels his mouth on hers, and she tries to caress every inch of his skin with her hands, and she wonders if anything could truly be better than this.

Her heart is squarely in his hands, and his is in hers.

Leith loves her without hesitation, and Greer has vowed to never hesitate in her love for him again.

Life without love, without _him_ , is the worst possible scenario.

 ~~

“I thought you wouldn’t forgive me,” Greer tells him, glowing with love and joy in his arms. “I thought this would never happen, that we would never be together because you couldn’t forgive me for hesitating, for not choosing you immediately.”

“I know you, Greer Norwood,” Leith tells her. He rubs small circles on her back. “We are all afraid sometimes, and we all make bad decisions, but I _love_ you. And when you love someone you have a choice—if you can be with them, if they love you too, if they make you happy, then you have to try. You have to believe that everything will work out.” You have to forgive, she thinks.

Greer considers his words. “I love you too,” she says.

“I know,” he says with a smile. “You’ve told me many times now. But I love hearing it.”

“I love you,” she says again. “And I will for the rest of my life.”

“As I will love you,” he says softly, “for the rest of mine.”

Greer lets herself believe that, because she believes in love, and she believes in herself, and Leith.

This, she thinks, is the destiny she’s _chosen_.


End file.
